Broken Crayons Still Color

I’ve never been in love. In fact, perhaps the closest I’ve experienced to such was a night of endless mozzarella sticks and sweet tea while indulging in Chris Evans’ hunky “Captain America” with my ride or die cat back in my freshman year of college. While it sounds like a mockery, I can assure you it isn’t. I’ve never been one for extravagant nights out on the town and weekends I couldn’t remember. Although I did make my fair share of mistakes in other departments, specifically boys, I was continuously the girl who would much rather take a night in with a movie and various treats; more of a “Feed me tacos and tell me I’m pretty” type of girl.

And while I’ve convinced myself throughout the years that I was unhappy with who I was, I, like any girl, attempted to adapt and fit in. I’ve altered my personality on numerous occasions and stepped out of my comfort zone to points of regret.

A wise Pinterest quote once told me,
“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it’s supposed to be.”

And I will cheers to that. 

By now, I wholeheartedly expected to be settling down with the love of my life and initiating plans for a future. Can we all laugh at that? I, at a young age, gave myself a “deadline”, if you will, as to what point I would be too old to get married. And, being a previous subscriber to various tween magazines, I had stumbled upon an article essentially capturing the idea that “life begins at 21.” That became my deadline. I swore that by that age, I would be ready to be a wife and, ultimately, a mother. Just to give you an idea of where I am currently at, I still buy Nerf guns for fun and, if offered, will eat ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches for every meal of the day. Wife material? I think not!

At 21, a mass of us are in college, essentially wrapping up our scholastic career and stepping out into the world of uncertainty. For me, however, I took the alternative route to adulthood and began working amidst deciding what I wanted my future to entail. And, while at various times I view that choice as my biggest regret, I also identify that pivoting moment in my life as one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m not rich. Not by a long shot, and I may never be. But what I lack in finances, I balance out with happiness; some I’ve had to discover on my own while others were begging to be noticed. And they eventually were, although months later.

And while I’ve continued along through life with this deadline in the back of my mind, I, in present day, can’t help but think “Girlfriend, did you dodge some bullets!” What I’ve wanted in the past is sure as hell not what I want now. Garth Brooks said it best: Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers…

While it’s no secret to you all that my personality is an acquired taste, if you like excessive and often pointless stories in addition to never-ending conversations, I’ve accepted myself for who I’ve always been. As I’ve been broken down throughout life for my loud and seemingly obnoxious personality, I’ve also been built up for my energy and occasionally funny joke (It’s a hit and a miss with those).

Broken crayons still color. The past you’ve endured that has molded you to what are today is your own unique story, with a plot line that only you control. Happiness is truly found when you stop comparing yourself to other people. Granted, maybe I lack the people skills to acknowledge when I’ve been socializing a bit too much, but no good story starts with a silent girl. Those are usually gruesome horror films and those never end well.

Struggles in life are typically up to an individual’s interpretation. While some may classify a struggle as Taco Tuesday strictly being one day out of the week (barbaric if you ask me), others identify their struggles as something with much more sentiment. To change your life, you must indefinitely change your priorities. And while tacos have always been my Tuesday priority, my priority in life has been to become someone that nobody thought I could be, including myself.

I’ve been told that one of the happiest moments you’ll ever experience is the one in which you let go of what you can’t change. Although I can’t change who I am, I sure as hell can embrace it.

I’m Ness. I often talk too much and pick up on social cues all too little. I’m still as sensitive as I was when I was five and I still rock a onesie from time to time, as well. I suck at cooking and, although I do try endlessly, I have been guilty of ordering takeout and claiming it as my own! I enjoy a good run every so often completed with a follow up burger just to reward myself for the job well done! I love the zoo. No explanation needed. And, finally, I care too much and am constantly too trusting, often wanting to believe the homeless man I just gave a small donation to is going to use that money to better himself and not use it for a shortly timed high. Feel as you will and kick me to the curb if you must. But I’d rather be remembered as the girl who stood out perfectly rather than the one that fit in imperfectly.

Finishing with a quote,
“Find someone that loves you on bad days, grumpy days, your ‘I need space’ days, your love me days, your laughing days, your clumsy days, happy days, and everything in between. Because, for them, you’ll be everything they’ve ever wanted and they wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

You call me, handsome. I’ll bring the mozzarella sticks and onesies.


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